So, you guys broke up. You may have never thought this day would come, or maybe you are rejoicing, or maybe you just are not sure what the hell is even going on. First of all, any way you are feeling is OKAY. I mean it, whatever it is, it is okay to feel it.
Are you mad? sad? upset? hysterical? happy? confused? stressed? worried? pissed? annoyed? frustrated? overwhelmed? anxious? depressed? Absolutely no f*cking idea? Whatever it is, allow the feelings to be there. Let them simmer.
The FIRST step to getting over a breakup is……
FEEL HOWEVER YOU NEED TO FEEL. So often after a breakup people try to push those “bad” feelings down and just move on. Well try not to do this. Do your best to identify what it is you are feeling and allow yourself time to sit in those feelings for a little while. That amount of time is really up to you, whether its one hour, one night or several months, I don’t think it really matters. We are all different and need different amount of times to cope with our feelings. Once you think you’ve had a sufficient amount of time to recognize and digest your feelings about the break up…
EVALUATE WHAT WENT WRONG. Get out a piece of paper and some bomb gel pens (cuz gel pens make everything better) or grab some pals and margs and really dig deep into what went wrong. Did you notice red flags from the very beginning that you chose to ignore? Was it one huge issue you both couldn’t reconcile on? Was it just not that once-in-a-lifetime romance you are looking for? Doesn’t matter what the reason was, but write it down and really evaluate what seemed to go wrong and why.
OWN YOUR PART. It is really easy to blame the other person. I mean maybe it was 99.999% THEIR fault, but somewhere in there you probably had an itty bitty part in the part that broke down. Or maybe you had a massive part in it. Who knows? It doesn’t really matter at this point. Evaluate what you had to do with what went wrong and make a set, realistic goal for how to work on that.
SELF CARE BABYYYYY. I am absolutely, totally, without a doubt on the self-care train. Not in the way that you need to delete everything from your life that doesn’t fully serve you, but in a way that we all deserve good things in our lives and sometimes we need to treat our damn selves to those good things because who else will? Take time each day to give yourself some self care. My favorites are a cupcake, a day off work, bath, guided imagery, face mask, a movie night alone, planning a trip, sitting outside, drinking kombucha, painting, getting a massage. Do yourself some good, THEN do someone else some good and get the good juju flowing.
LEARN TO SET BOUNDARIES. I can almost guarantee that you aren’t great with boundaries (well not you specifically, but like the whole damn USA struggles with boundaries, so I am like, pretty sure you too). Practice setting boundaries with EVERYONE in your life. Don’t feel like going to happy hour with your coworkers? Then don’t. Do your friends always ask for money, but never pay you back? Say no this time. Identify WHAT you need to and SET boundaries, so that can happen. Tell your people pleasing self to STFU cuz let me tell you, no one else is going to set these boundaries for you.
REMIND YOURSELF THAT THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. It is completely normal to feel like something is “wrong” with you after a breakup, but it is so important to remind yourself that there really isn’t anything wrong with you. It was not the right person or the right time or someone better was meant to come along; there are sooooo many other reasons rather than something being wrong with you. There is this idea out in the world that if our brain thinks it, than it is right. That is so so so wrong. We need to regularly challenge our negative thoughts and ask ourselves
1. is this a rational thought? 2. what evidence do I have to support this thought? 3. is this thought positively serving me in some way?
Most of our negative thoughts will have a no to one, if not all, of the above. When you encounter negative thoughts attempt to shift them. Example: Why doesn’t anyone love me? Thought shift: Name all of the bunches of people that actually love you.
If you are noticing a pattern of unsuccessful relationships or are just feeling extra down about this breakup, I encourage you to consider seeing a counselor. It takes courage to admit to needing extra support, but you’ll be a better person in the end because of it. If this sounds like you, hit me up for a free 15-minute phone consultation and let’s start moving forward together.