Welcome! It looks like you are considering children and want to be super prepared before diving in. Well, let’s be real, you’re already crushing it considering you are putting in thought to what this process will look like. Maybe you’re thinking ‘what to ask myself when planning for children’? You’re in the right place. I suggest grabbing a notebook and pen and writing down your answers, so you can reference them later. Ask yourself the following questions when considering children (and as we mentioned, this is LGBTQ+ inclusive because we are always striving to be a safe place for this community).
QUESTION 1
Have you previously envisioned children in your future? I start with this question, which there is definitely no “right” answer to, because it is important to consider. If you imagine you have a badass magic wand (harry potter style) and could see your “perfect” life in front of you… what would it consist of? Would there be a family/children?
Having children is NOT a must of life. It is a helpful step to examine is this what I want for my life? I suggest sitting down, writing this question down, and answer it on paper. See what comes out for you.
QUESTION 2
What is your relationship status and how will that affect this process? So you’re still envisioning children in your future (or at least part of you is). Once again, this is NOT a must, but an important consideration. Are you in a relationship?
Yes? Does your partner(s) want children? Have you talked about how many? When? How?
No? Do you envision yourself raising the child(ren) by yourself or do you see yourself getting in a relationship in the future? What would be your process of introducing the child(ren) to a future partner?
QUESTION 3
How are your finances? Kids are EXPENSIVE y’all. If you see children in your future, start a ‘child fund’ and adjust your budget to accommodate for more savings each month. Don’t have money for savings? Consider how/if this can be adjusted and start to slowly transition it. Starting with $25/mo can make a big difference.
QUESTION 4
What are your options for having children? The actual ‘getting a child’ part can be pretty complicated. Are you able to conceive? Do you want to adopt? Surrogate? Donor? IVF? There are many many options to consider and being honest with yourself about which are viable for you is critical.
QUESTION 5
What is your timing? We’re making our way down the list and this question tends to trip people up because you need to consider everything above it. When considering each of the above questions, can you come up with a suggested timeline for yourself? This is not set in stone and is absolutely adjustable, but planning for your future is important. There is more to this than just saying “Yup, I’m ready!”. I work with so many people who want to be parents and that was their deciding factor, but then soon realize how much more is involved.
QUESTION 6
How will they be raised? Thinking about parenting style, spirituality, money, location, schooling. It can quickly get overwhelming. We’re keeping with the writing it down theme. Come up with some areas that you want to consider (^^ you can use the above, just be sure to add some of your own) and go one by one and process where you are at with that category. Take breaks, come back to it. Google and research some information. I want you to feel like a prepared bad ass ready to take on what is thrown at you. So considering what are some of those things is important!
Y’all know I am a therapist, so I HAVE to suggest therapy somewhere, but I think this is the right spot 🙂 Whether you are in a relationship or not, taking time to examine areas of current individual and relationship struggles, as well as future planning is huge. Therapy can help you resolve, plan, stay accountable, process. You showed up here and we’re tackling what to ask yourself when planning for children, but therapy can dive so much deeper. So I whole heartedly suggest trying therapy out if you are considering whether children are in your future.
QUESTION 7
What else do you need to consider? If you are considering adoption- check out some local and national agencies. Contact them for more information. If you are looking to conceive- talk to your OBGYN and see what you can do now to get yourself ready. Maybe you’ve decided- this is wayyyyy to much for me to consider and I’m not there yet. That’s 10000% an okay option too. Go grab yourself some tea and a snack and keep doing you. Then set a reminder for 6 months and come back to this article.
EDITED TO ADD: We launched an in-depth, self paced, online course for partners exploring this topic. Interested? Check it out at Childproof Your Relationship Before Baby: A Couples Masterclass to Parent and Thrive Together.
Rachel Cohen, LCSW is the owner and therapist at Seaside Counseling Center in Jacksonville Beach, FL. Rachel works with lonely, frustrated, and overwhelmed 20 somethings and perinatal parents online and in-person.