Hey there you, I wanted to pop in today and do a quick vlog, I haven’t done one in awhile, so I figured why not today? Today I’m talking about what to do if you are a people pleaser. I come across a lot of clients that categorize themselves as ‘people pleasers’.
These can be people that are just wanting to be sure they are the kindest version of themselves, which sometimes can mean they lack boundaries. That is not to say being a people pleaser is always a negative thing, like when if it is under control with great boundaries and not taking over your life.
SO today I have four tips for you of what to do if you are a people pleaser and its outta control.
STEP 1: TAKE A BEAT.
If someone asks something of you that DOES NOT mean you need to answer right away. You are allowed to say ‘Hey let me think on that and get back to you’ or ‘I can’t give you an answer right now, so I will contact you tomorrow’ or ‘That sounds like an interesting opportunity I would love to help, I’m not sure I have the time right now, but I’ll think about it’.
All of these are great options for a way you can step away from the situation. Then it is a little bit easier to analyze to see if it is really want you want to do. It is, in my mind, easier to say ‘no’ over text, email, or phone.
STEP 2: Be Authentic to YOU
Sometimes when we are people pleasers, we so desperately don’t want to hurt those around us OR so desperately want to be liked, that we are willing to sacrifice our needs and what is most important to us. So…
try to find out who you are, whose your most authentic self, whose the real bad (but really good) bitch in there?
Then when confronted with something know it is okay to ask yourself if you want to do what they are asking you to do. Do you need to do it? Is there a line where that is unhealthy for you and a boundary needs to be set?
STEP 3: PRACTICING HEALTHY CONFLICT
Often times people pleasers just DON’T want conflict. ever. They don’t want to say no, don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings, trying to avoid, any sort of turmoil… internally (turmoil with themselves, ie. anxiety) , as well as externally (making someone upset).
So in order to practice healthy conflict, practice bringing your concerns to those you love that you know can handle it. Practice saying no because practicing healthy conflict can really help you engage the uncomfortable feeling of having to set a boundary or say no to someone. The more that you practice this, the easier it will be to then set those boundaries in ALL scenarios. To setting boundaries to whatever is out there that isn’t serving you or serving someone else in a way you are comfortable with.
STEP 4: SELF REFLECTION
(Probably applicable to every blog tip ever but still throwing it in there…) Figuring out who am I, what do I want, how is this serving me, how is this best serving my friends/family/loved ones? Taking a step back and trying to explore who you are in the bigger picture/sense. Amplifying on your authentic self to even more of the real you.
Often I would suggest going to therapy/counseling to do this. You can also engage in deeper conversation with yourself through journaling. Or have a weekly date with a close friend where you talk about who you are, what you’re working on, and how you are trying to be your best self.
These are four of my tips of what to do if you are a people pleaser. Contact me if you need any help or have questions- I’m always here if you need me!
Rachel Cohen, LCSW is the owner and therapist at Seaside Counseling Center in Jacksonville Beach, FL. Rachel works with lonely, frustrated, and overwhelmed teens, 20 somethings, and perinatal mamas online and in-person.