Communication is f*cking hard. Its complicated, time-consuming, and requires commitment. It is also the #1 thing almost all couples struggle with. Ineffective communication leads to more arguments and more stress. And just because I have tips to share about it, does NOT mean I have it all together either. This is something I struggle with all. the. time.
Now that I’ve established why communication is hard and that we all struggle with it, here is my lovely attempt to verbalize what I’ve learned through my education, my own relationships, and my client’s relationships. So without further ado…. my 10 tips to improve communication in your romantic relationships (TAAADAAAAAAHHHHH)
- Open Communication. You don’t need to share EVERYTHING with your partner, for example if you had a racey dream about someone else, probably not necessary to share (been there, done that), but it is important to talk about 99.9999% of things. My rule of thumb is if you didn’t have control over it, it will lead to your significant other “overthinking” it when its unnecessary for them to, AND it is not harming them (physically, emotionally, or mentally) by NOT sharing it, then it is probably okay to not bring it up (ie. racey dream, them not looking “so good” in that shirt, or they said something that you thought was a little awkweird at a party). I suggest going into a relationship with the goal to be honest about everything. BONUS tip: If it is something you get a gross feeling about NOT sharing, then you DEFINITELY need to talk about it.
- Make Open Communication a Priority from the BEGINNING (or as soon as you can). The earlier you establish sound communication skills in a relationship, the easier it will be to make them habitual and to continue.
- Make a Mental Note of Things to Share with Your Partner. It can be easy to forget things to share with our partners, especially if they are not right by our side when it happens. Try writing down or making a mental note of things to share with your partner when you see them next.
- Don’t Put Off Hard Conversations. Do not put off conversations that you don’t want to have (easier said than done) just because you don’t want to have them. This will create tension and bad vibes in a relationship that can beavoided if the hard topic is brought up ASAP. Also, the other person might already have an idea of what is going on… so it is always better to be the one to be forthcoming. This builds TRUST and a precedent for the future.
- Date Night. This may sound cliche, but it WORKS. It does not need to be a scheduled date night, unless that is what works for you. You just need to have dedicated time to communicate and date night is often the perfect space for that.
- Listen. Communication is not all about the talking, the LISTENING is just as, if not more, important. Be present and active when your partner is communicating with you (make eye contact, face them, do not multi-task, nod, do not cut them off, etc). Practice listening and really hearing what the person is saying in ALL of your relationships, as this is a crucial skill to master for many different types of relationships.
- Ask Questions to Make Sure You Fully Understand. Reference above tip ^^^, many people listen to respond, rather than listen to understand. Take your listening a step further; listen, then ask questions about what you aren’t grasping. It is okay to not understand or agree with what your partner is saying, but take the time to get into the nitty, gritty of what they are saying.
- Set Goals Together. Communication will naturally improve when you have positive things to communicate about. As relationships continue and grow, it is normal to have less things to talk about than when the relationship first started. This can be helped by setting goals of things to try together. Trying new things will naturally lead to more positive conversation, it will also be fun!
- Remember People Make Mistakes. Keep in mind that no one is perfect and communication is f*cking hard. There will be steps backwards, but make a commitment to one another to try your best, apologize for your mistakes, and to forgive.
- Practice, Practice, Practice. Don’t just try open communication with your partner, try to implement it with EVERYONE. The more you practice, the more natural it will become.
ANOTHER BONUS TIP: A big mistake couples make is just communicating their THOUGHTS, it is just as important to communicate your FEELINGS too. When communicating your feelings try using “I Statements” (check out my ‘Power of the “I” Statement’ article to learn more about this https://20somethingstherapist.com/the-power-of-the-i-statement/).